This will be my last journal post for a long while. This entire week end has been quite a trip, but in the end I lost a battle I knew I would lose. I have never been good enough for any one. I simply serve a purpose to help every one and no give me anything back. I was raised into it, and will never leave it.
And I have had my heart torn out. By two people who went behind my back and betrayed me. Men are distrustful, and I have finally learned my lesson. So I have decided.
I do not need any one. I need myself, and thats is all I have left to love. My will to forgive has been drained and I just can not do it any more. So I will stay alone. I will spend as much time away from every one else as I can. I will become the recluse I used to be. It was much simpler then.
It is truly all I can do now. Because if I do not I will end up doing something very bad to myself that will hurt more people than I would like. And after people I love have hurt me and become such cowards that they can not consider me in any of their decisions, I decided I will not do the same. I will do what I do, and cry in a bathroom stall and let this out. I will feel this pain and heart break till I am ready to accept that I will always be alone.
So good luck to you to. I hope your relationship works out well. But later on when I am healing, and feeling more alone than ever before I will grow to hate you. Both of you. It is in my nature. So for now I give my truest blessing. But later..when I have rationalized how shitty of friends you have been to me I will no longer say this.
I will say I hope you never make it. And just hearing your name will make me more angry and feel more betrayed than I have ever felt before.
So congratulations, Ming. You won. You got what you wanted from me, and you were always the better candidate. I never even had a chance.
And that is my final word.
- Mood: Tearful